Film Noir

 

Hi Dears,

I don't have much to say except that these days haven't been much fun for me. Nearly 6 months I'm feeling this complete sorrow in me and lemme tell you , it's no fun.

I have nevertheless accepted the situation (well, a tiny bit more than weeks ago) and even if it still hurts I feel like I'm no longer moving backwards.

Let's not get our hopes too high cause I'm not saying I'm moving forwards but I like to think I do.

I'm doing all I can to get back to a place where I can enjoy serenity and pleasure; and that's why i had this glimpse of hope again. I will be on holiday this summer, visiting some places I really wanted to visit and there's no way I'm taking this sorrow with me. There's no way I will waste my precious holiday memories, the one thing that really make me love life (travelling) because of this depression or whatever you want to call it.

I like the past. The past is retro, sparkling with memories, comforting even with nostalgia. 

But it's time I take a step back from this black and grey motion picture and face what I can do in the future.

(Even when the Dark Side Lorna really want to add : what future, were all doomed eventually)

Anyway, 

Take care,

Love

xxx

The two-sided-Lorna

Photo credits: LeilaNl

ECSTASY OF THE •BLUE• GOLD

Hi Dears,

I’ve never been a fan of tough-love. I’ll always claim it’s not the answer to our troubles. But, sometimes it’s the only way for me. I will moan for a certain time yes. But knowing this will finally sink in. I need time. But you should know it’s not in vain.

Like a seed you implanted in me it will still grow. I will bloom and end up turning this into a lesson and a way to find resilience.

Even in the roughest times, I not only do it for myself but for you. I have in me this power of rekindle the tiniest flame, maybe covered in ashes, but from dust to light, it shall rise again.

Even at my most apathetic stage, when everything looks dark and at its nearest end, something tells me : nope. No, Lorna, it’s not your time.

I rage about it, i strongly disagree. Why wouldn’t I ? I’m fed up of taking what feels like a million slap in the face.

I call 𝑯𝒐𝒑𝒆 the blue love in me.

Credits photo: LeilaNl

Outfit: Lottie Latex

Love,

Lorna

xxx

 

Ghost in my shell

Hi Dears,

I had a blast this weekend ! Made me come out of my shell for the first time in months.

Let me explain.

So I had this concert planned for months, and I wanted to go so bad as it was kind of an emo revival to me and I wanted to keep this going since last summer, when I realized it made me feel very good to accept a part of my past. Which I found a bit ridiculous at first, but damn so many memories when I listen to A day to remember though haha

So the concert was actually Bring Me the Horizon, and they mainly played "new" songs which weren't out yet when i was in high school, it's a bit more "pop"and famous than the firsts albums but I think that's how they got such a great enthusiasm from the youth now. Which leads me to the most important aspect of this weekend to me:

I finally released some tension off my shoulders and I turned my bitterness the other way round.

I used to be kind of fed up with the newest generations because they got everything very easily from Spotify, when we worked our ass off to have access to some part of subculture, "copied" our looks -- that we used to have (or still have) when we were considered as outcasts and being bullied. Blablabla, all that boomer crap.

I had troubles with accepting that this can be part of a new 2020 trend. 

But as I looked at the crowd , and met new people (Lorna made new friends lol) I finally got to the point that the atmosphere was kind and cute. There were no race of who knows better than who and people having a judgmental behaviour like I so often see in the metal subculture. And goth.

So I said to myself "you know what Lorna, remember when all those elders gave you a hard time to be accepted and when you desparetly seeked their approval?" Let's not do this to them. And this is what I felt in the crowd. So, of course, there were some groupies (but lol I'm so one of them tbh) and young people drinking without being really selfconscious (ugh, but that's maybe because I don't drink anymore it annoys me now lol).

I still felt that our generation, the Millenials, were very gentle towards the Gen Z and Alpha, like wanted to discuss and share songs and lyrics it was very appeasing to me to be in a soft environment like this. I think as in my workplace I'm getting stressed out a lot, I needed that.

Anyway, regarding the Gen, I notice how we could do some changes.

Instead of having the same behaviour than the Gen X who are doing the same as the Boomers "yes but that's not how we did it", "back in the days" all that crap. Instead of making someone feel like shit, why not just hold their hand and share what we can have in common.

I don't know, just some random thoughts. It might be a bit too naive you will say. But for

 Angry Bitter Lorna, this is means a lot.

Meaning I can feel the wind changing and maybe say hello to my opposite side once again. 

Shiny Happy Lorna 

xxx

Love,

Lorna

Credits Photo: Jordan Dorey

(How amazing that the first pic looks literally like the Bi-flag right)

Latex dress from Pandora Deluxe

 

Memento Mori

 

Hi guys,

A couple of rough last weeks I had. I came back to work after one month of break and rest and it was brutal. Didn't really know if they wanted me here, feeling guilty for a lot of reasons, and just well, for being here and being me.

I have this constant feeling, of being torn between what is real and what is fictional, what is in my head or what's really happening, not knowing if missing a person means they're gone, forever.

Not knowing what is the line between life and death.

But for all I know I'm still standing and still active, trying to do my best and to do what makes me happy.

Cause I'm still here, on this effin planet so lets make it a bit more bearable, shall we ?

Don't have much to add tonight,

Except that how amazing is this first 2023 series from a photoshoot I did with Dame Tenebra right ?

🖤

Credits to her, for being pure talent xx

Love,

Lorna

xxx

Hello 2023

Hello Dears,

Ok so I made it this far , who knew ?

Everyday I feel like I believe a little less and a little less.

I hope this year there will be a day that I will go back to be in a stable and neutral mood. I thought it was boring but now I missed it. I cant live like this.

I have to much weight on my shoulders.

Hating life is really not the best feeling of all. When you feel like you had lost everything.

And you complain and complain and complain…

So you cant even reach out anymore cause everybody’s fed up with you answering the question “are you ok?” With a simple no.

People like you better when you’re up there. When you’re fun and happy.

They magically all disappear when you’re down. Cause you’re not able to listen to their own problems.

So guess what ?

I’ve done this before I can do it again.

No social life, family that drains me energy, a regular work so I can afford to travel and do stuff on my own.

But that’s ok, I ll be back to be a lone wolf. I can do that.

Cheers to 2023 and loneliness (for a change).

Love,

Lorna

xxx

Pictures by the amazing Cecile Clavel

A break in my room

 

Hi Dears,

I hope you’re doing well, for me it’s not the easiest time of my life. I am on a break from work again…

Not because of work actually, this was the thing holding me lately but because I can’t deal with life and being social, outside of my home, my safety zone.

I am agaiiiin struggling with a breakup, but let’s not give too much attention to that, I also had to be a catsitter for two weeks and it just ended the last pieces of sociability I had left.

I wasn’t « forced »to catsit no, I voluntarily said yes, but because I thought I wouldn’t be alone to face it. So it was clearly more difficult to do it all by myself. I now, have more than ever the feeling of this thought I am already taking care of myself I can’t do it for another person, or even animal, nor plants I guess…

I wasn’t in my safe place, I didn’t like at all the apartment and the deal was to be closer to work, that was indeed more convenient…But when you don’t want to stay where you live… well…It wasn’t convenient at all !

I only wanted to get out of this place as often as I could so in the end I was sooo tired , I was commuting back and forth even more than if I’d stayed in my apartment in the suburbs…

Anyway, this was the most stupid engagement I have ever taken while I was in an manic episode ( the phase where you are going « up »: happy, excitement, more projects and blablabla).

I think I’ve learned my lesson. But on top changes happened in the shop, clearly defining how Dr Martens now looks like and I don’t know it just hit me.

Why ? Why following this stupid life if everything’s a battle? I am sooo tired.

Well, I’ll tell you why: because of your closed ones your family. Urgh. I insist on the « because of »and not « thanks to »because this Christmas just proved me how stupid we are just « to be there for them »cause its something we « should do »…

It litteraly drained me.

That being said, this a whole big unhappy mood as you can see.

I hope you’ll like the pictures though !

Love,

Lorna

xxx

Thanks to CCLV Photography for the amazing work 🌸

Grayish

Hi Dears,

It's June so:

Happy Pride Month 

It's been ages since I celebrated a Pride. Not that I will walk, I don't like walking down the streets anymore, if you do it with convictions that's understandable and legit but I feel too overwhelmed to get mixed in a big crowd, so I don't walk anymore.

Not that I don't feel proud , but it's true that lately it left me. From being a lesbian to dating men it makes you wonder a bit "am I legit?" "what's that fake in this story?" 

I still don't know. I know woke people would say, the most important is too feel ok with who you are. Yeah yeah. But in the end, if you havent been in our shoes you can't talk. 

We look heterosexual to people when in the end, changing our sexuality, changing our romanticism isn't it the queerest ?

And still we appear to be the more in the norm, so less legit to be part of the flag.

I don't really question myself anymore, I just wait and let it happen.

Thats how I figure out that instead of only speaking of het or homosexuality could we mention more of the gray-sexuality? The one when you don't really know. The one where you just let it happen or definitely don't let it happen. Cause it doesn't matter.

Could we consider us being a part of the queers one day ?

I don't feel like I am waiting for an approval anymore, but now that I stopped being angry about feeling rejection because I was suddenly not that interesting dating men, I just wonder.

And I can say, this year I am proud. I am proud to wonder, I am proud to change, I am proud to be able to feel what I feel for the person I chose.

Outfit:

Jacket thrift

Earring thrift

Top : Action

Belt and Capri Pants : Hell Bunny

Creepers: TUK

Thanks to Lara Guffroy for this pre summer series!

Love,

Lorna

xxx

 

Women dress