Blue Modeh

Hi Dears,

This time I wanted to share something even more personal than my previous states of mind on my relationship with my disorderS.
As you know (now for sure) I have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder at first - I like to say at first cause obviously it's always what doctors tells us when you're "heavily" tattooed. Btw, people won't understand but I don't see myself as tattooed like AT ALL it's been in me since I was young I just reflected it on my skin legally since I'm 18 lol but yeah this is and will always be me-.
Then, I dug into it in therapies and learnt about Bipolar type 2, yup that was also very accurate. I recently experienced a last nervous breakdown when coming to live in Lille. I felt I was stressed and burnt out (that's for sure) but not all the reasons were from my work pressure. I feel a bit more neurotypical and I read a lot about Autism.
Women's autism is really kept apart of our information and most of people (doctors included - sorry if you're a doctor you may pass your way or only look at the photos lol cause I'm about to refer to you a lot and not really as people who helped me the most) are misinformed about it. First, you don't always see it, then ...Then so many things! If you learn about it you'll see and understand a lot of the behaviors. I'm not the one who can really relate to it entirely because not legitimate from one who only have stuff in common and might be in the autistic spectrum but nothing clarified yet so I don't feel legit to do this. But please, check more infos about it. It's interesting to know about, and you may understand stuff about people you just call "cranky" or "lazy" or "shy" or "maniac". Anyway, that led me to conclusion that sometimes doctors announce real disorders with issue and pills that you have to accept to take the rest of your life to be "normal" or just to accept to live with it. So, in fact yes whatever I am I'll have to live with it. But G.d can you just once accept that maybe I just be a bit different ? Like, alright I don't do collections of stamps, or something obvious but just consider this ? No? Alright. I may remain a "bipolar" in the eyes of the medical services.

And that's alright ! Because lastly, I consider myself to open up to bigger things. Bigger thoughts, bigger lights and thus a bigger smile these days.
Pills helps I won't deny. I had to start again, cause got to live my life "normal" huh ? But, this time I won't place all my beliefs and trust into it. I know that stuff now. It's temporary , then your body assimilates it and then it's a new cycle that begins.
"So how are you blablabla , this the new dose blablabla, here your prescript "
Nope. No all my hopes will be found on stuff I'll take to stabilize my mind. And I am not telling you that it doesn't work and I don't need it ! I just don't rely on it like I did. But I know it helps. A lot though.

What I rely on now, is (myself? not really I'm not cured you folks lol otherwise this blog will be boring forever on lol) my faith in Life. What stuff can be brought up to you, and no for no reason. I've been curious for ages; seeking a way to be in peace and to feel a religion like a forest that opens up its arm to welcome you and get you inspired. It is mainly philosophy if you really think it up. It's not stupid laws, or things you have to know or do without thinking. It's new for me but in one way I think I always knew. I will remain a tattooed-pierced-rocknroll-witch but as long as I feel it in me, I don't care if I don't look like what people should except of someone being religious.
I want my personality, to fit with my new modesty and my beliefs to be accomplished by my new actions. And day by day, it makes me a better person. So yes, in the end I think I can say today: I feel happier.

I hope this wasn't too long or too boring; most people won't read anyway lol ✨

 

Outfit:

Body top is from Lilacoco

Earrings Lilacoco

Skirt from H&M (sales in Scotland)

Scarf and pins from Modanisa

Old jacket from forever 21

Brand new Dr Martens Bex

Thanks to my lovely sweetheart Lionel for having taken these pictures of me 💖

Love,

Lorna

PS: i hope you'll get the title ;)